Cooties83

On Tuesday 15th of July a beautiful creature died.  Not a lot of people will understand, but she was my daughter.  She taught me about love, more than I could ever know.  She loved me as much as I loved her, there was never any doubting that.  She went into renal failure and I had to make the hard decision to put her down.  I would never let her suffer because of me, I would never make her live on so I could have her longer, I would never let her suffer that pain just for me.  Part of me regrets it now because I miss her so very much, the pain is greater than anything I've ever experienced and I've had my fair share.  The only way I can deal with it is not to think about it, to avoid thinking about it.  But I forget she's gone and expect to see her and then I remember and it's like being hit in the stomach.  What bothers me most is that the world doesn't realise the beauty is has lost.  Someone so pure, so freely loving, so gentle and so sweet, taken from this world.  It's not fair that I should have to live on when she deserves the life I'll have a hundred times over.  It's not fair that I couldn't take her sickness for her, that even if I had she would have only lived to 16.  It's not fair that my baby had to go.  I hope there's a heaven, because she deserves it and all the universe.

I brought her bed to the vet and made her comfortable, I petted and sooked her and she began to fall asleep.  I called for the vet to come in and settled her down again, she purred.  Quietly, he gave her an injection and very quickly after she was gone.  She grew cold so quickly and I finally let myself cry.  I had stopped myself while she was with me because I wanted her to be comfortable, happy.  I hope so much that she was happy...

As I held her I realised her velvety ears still smelt like kitten as they always had and I broke down harder.  I had to be pulled away from her...I ran back and kissed her head once more...I had to leave her and her bed there, I regret that. Her body just left there.  Cold, alone.  But my mom was right, I would never be able to let her go if I had her, I would still be rocking in the corner with her even now.  Because I miss her so very much.

As I type through blurry vision I hope that the world realises the loss it's had.  Because the world is a lesser place for having lost her.

I love you Chloe, I always will.